Mouthpiece Mayhem?
Written by Colin Murray   
Thursday, 05 July 2007

 

 

 

Dear Mr. Equipment:

 

As a versatile trumpet player with over two years of experience who performs in a wide variety of styles (classical, jazz, latin, polka, Bauhaus, bebop, country, Impressionist, Australian, disco, extreme violence) I sometimes feel that one mouthpiece can’t cover all these different styles. (I play a Bach 17EW, though I’m not a girl.) I've heard the pros switch mouthpieces depending on what kind of music they're playing and I want to try that.

My teacher says I should stick to one mouthpiece and practice more, but I’m not so sure.

What should I do?

Flexible

 

Dear Flexible:

 

Stick to one mouthpiece? No doubt your teacher is “old school” who probably eats only mashed potatoes from the All-You-Can-Eat buffet and still drives a 1972 Dodge Dart with an eight-track of The Tijuana Brass’ Greatest Hits playing in infinite rotation. You can no more get by with one mouthpiece than you can with one pair of underwear (Though I’ll bet your teacher does.)

Like Moses said “Variety is the stuff of life”. To effectively play a variety of musical styles, you need a minimum of 20 mouthpieces, and at the very least five to cover a two octave range. (In fact, three is the minimum number of mouthpieces you need to properly play a one-octave Bb major scale!)

But truly great trumpeters have been plagued with wearing cumbersome mouthpiece belts and looking like “nerds” or “geeks”.

Until now!

It’s time to get into the 1990’s, with the Mr.Equipment Mouthpiece Selectomatic 2000!

Using the latest in artificial intelligence algorithms and hyperbole, this (mostly) portable unit will scan the music on your stand and determine the right mouthpiece for every bar of your music and launch that mouthpiece into your hand in as little as a sixteenth rest! (For jazz players and other unschooled musicians just plug the guitar amp directly into the Selectomatic 2000 for the perfect mouthpiece to match the changes of the tune.)

 

Here’s how it works…

 

 

 

 

 

Infrared Biometric Optical Lasers (iBOL)

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#1...Special sensors in Infrared Biometric Optical Lasers (iBOL) scan music for range, tempo, articulation and dynamics, and feed the information to…

 

 

 

 

Super Computer Holographic Neural-Optimal Zonifier (SCHNOZ)

 

#2....Super Computer Holographic Neural-Optimal Zonifier
(SCHNOZ)
where data is interpreted and ideal mouthpiece selection is computed. This data is fed by the yellow cable to…

 

 

 

 

 

 


Thermo-Optical Asynchronous Selective Tosser
 
#3 Thermo-Optical Asynchronous Selective Tosser (TOAST), where the ideal mouthpiece (selected from up to forty of your favorite mouthpieces purchased from those who advertise on MrEquipment.ca) is shot into players hand in as little as a sixteenth rest! The player simply switches mouthpieces and tosses the old one back into the TOAST, where it’s automatically cleaned and kept “toast-y” warm.

 

All for only*$19.95!!! *235 payments of

session_copy2.jpg
 

Tinseltown's top trumpeters react with shock and awe at a demonstration of the Mouthpiece Selectomatic 2000.

 
(Sorry boys, you'll have to wait in line like everyone else!)

 

 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 
 
Last Updated ( Wednesday, 31 August 2011 )